The First Read online

  “Alfie, what are you doing?” She looked alarmed and I suddenly realized how distasteful of a man I was because of every decision I had made up until this point. I looked out the doors briefly before realising Penny was long gone.

  “Tiffany, I need to talk to you.” I dragged her away from her bridesmaids and she watched me thoughtfully, her eyes already somewhat whelmed up. She knew what was coming. “You know you deserve so much better than me, right?” She continued to look at me wide eyed before nodding her head.

  “Did you ever love me, Alfie?” I took a deep breath as I sympathetically shook my head.

  “I cared for you, Tiff,” I clarified and she shook her head in frustration.

  “It’s not the same.” As she looked between her bridesmaids and I, she sighed and continued. “It’s Zadie, isn’t it?” She deserved to know.

  “It was always Zadie. It took me losing her to realize it.” Sitting down on a bench, I ran my hands through my curls and rubbed my face in frustration. Tiffany sat beside me and grabbed my hands.

  “You lost her, huh?” I looked up at her and nodded my head briefly.

  “Apparently she doesn’t love me anymore,” I confessed.

  “Well at least you’re feeling half of what I’m feeling right now.” Her smile was heartbreakingly devilish as she released my hands.

  “I’m so sorry,” I continued but she stopped me.

  “Please, I’ll survive.” She raised her hands up as if to dismiss my apologies. “I just wish I hadn’t begged so shamelessly,” she confessed as she stood up and looked down on me.

  “You didn’t beg. You did what I could never do, you fought.”

  “Well, there’s no better time than right now to change. Why are you still here? Go fight for her, Alfie.” At her words, I stood up and looked into her piercing blue eyes with admiration. For the first time, I truly knew what I wanted, without doubt. Kissing Tiffany on the cheek, I ran out of the church and in search of the woman I loved.

  FAREWELL PART I

  2008

  When I imagined prom, I never quite imagined it like this. I never quite imagined Zadie planning to paint bomb her every tormenter and bully. As Zadie and I stood on a bridge above the school auditorium, fully dressed in our prom outfits, we looked down at our unassuming classmates. The music vibrated the walls and the room was filled with outdated strobe lights flashing across the dance floor. As we watched our classmates grind up against each other, Zadie bit her bottom lip and clutched onto the ropes that were holding the buckets filled with powdered paint in place. She looked at me, not fully confident with all her decisions that had led up to that moment. She needed reassurance and after everything I put her through, I needed to be the one to give it to her.

  “Retribution, right? I’m right here, Zadie. I’m not going anywhere. We’re partners in crime.” She nodded as a smile threatened her lips.

  “Right,” she agreed as her hold on the ropes tightened. “Okay, on the count of three,” she whispered excitedly and I looked down with my own excitement as I observed Clarissa and LaSalle below, directly in our line of sight. “One, two…” she looked to me and I knew in that moment, I truly felt like I had my best friend back.

  “Three!” we cried in unison as we pulled the ropes that released all eight buckets of multi-colored powdered paint onto the dance floor. As if in slow motion, we laughed wickedly as we watched it fall from the ceiling and onto our unsuspecting classmates. The strobe lights caught the magnificent colors and every one looked up at the paint in shock horror. Tearing my eyes away from the dance floor, I focused everything into observing Zadie’s glowing face. Her laugh was magical as she looked down at the falling paint. In that moment it was as if the world was put on mute and I could only hear my heartbeat thumping beneath my chest. There was no way I could ever love someone more than I loved her right in this moment.

  “Turn the lights on!” Clarissa’s voice screeched from below and I broke out of my haze on Zadie and realized we were clear as day perched up on the bridge.

  “Shit, we have to go!” I laughed as I grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the evidence. She looked down in shock before attempting to muffle her laughter.

  “Oh shit!” she cussed as we ran across the bridge and out of sight. As we scurried down the backstage ladder and through the back door, I clutched onto her hands and hoped she’d never let go.

  ***

  The morning after graduation, Zadie snuck into my bedroom and sat at the end of my bed. I awoke to the shift of weight on the bed and watched her carefully as she folded her legs beneath her and smiled warmly at me.

  “Morning, Montgomery,” she whispered and I drank in how beautiful she looked in the morning sun.

  “Morning, King.” Lifting myself up onto my elbows, I reached over to her and dragged her down beside me, wrapping an arm around her as her head found its place on my other arm. She looked up at me and smiled, reaching her hands up to my cheeks and tracing my freckles, a familiar habit of hers. Observing her, I noticed her expression was somewhat sad as her hands reached for my curls.

  “I have to tell you something, Alfie.” Her voice was quivering as she withdrew her hands and sat up. I followed suite and watched her carefully as she exhaled and bit her bottom lip.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, realising something was heavily weighing down on her.

  “I do believe everything you told me on prom night. But between the paint and graduation, I never really got to respond.” I found myself unprepared for whatever was coming. “I don’t think you’re a screw up Alfie, or that you’re anything like your dad. You’d never skip out on the people you loved. But,” she paused before grabbing my hand, “you and I have patterns that have ruled us since the day we met. I have this notion in my head that I can’t be without you and that I need you. And that’s not right. I need to have a life of my own, where I can live without you. This whole mess has taught me that we need to have more separate lives. You are my best friend, but you’re not my boyfriend. We can’t orbit each other anymore.” She stood up and walked over to my desk, fiddling with my ‘Los Angeles Angels’ t-shirt that was neatly folded on top of my laptop.

  “What are you trying to say, Zadie?” I was somewhat frustrated as I stood to my feet and walked toward her.

  “I’m not spending the summer in New York with you like we planned.” I looked at her confused. Turning around, she leaned against my desk and crossed her arms over her chest self-consciously. “My parents are flying over to Uganda tonight to work on housing projects over there, like they do every year. I’ve decided to go with them this time.” I didn’t know how to react. A part of me admired her strength, but the other part of me felt robbed of this important time in our lives.

  “This is sudden…” before I could finish she interrupted me.

  “I’ve been planning it since that night. It’s been a few weeks now and I wasn’t entirely sure how to tell you.” She was looking at me wide-eyed, waiting for me to respond. She was right. We had spent a good majority of our lives dependent on each other. If this friendship was ever going to work, we needed time apart to figure out who we were without the other. It was a painful realization. Taking a step toward her, I scooped her up into my arms and hugged her tightly. She gave into the hug and wrapped her arms around me.

  “You’re right, we do need time apart.” She exhaled into my chest as I leaned out of the hug and looked down at her. “You’re an incredible person, Zadie. You know that right?” I observed her as she bit her lip before smiling up at me. “Is it weird that I already miss you?” She shook her head as she stepped away.

  “No, I miss you too,” she laughed and I joined her as my eyes travelled down to her favorite t-shirt of mine. Picking it up, I unfolded it.

  “Arms up,” I commanded and she looked at me with confusion as I forced her to lift her arms up. She complied and I slipped the t-shirt over her mini overalls. “So you remember me,” I clarified as I drew her arms back down.
Her eyes began to well up as she looked between the t-shirt and me. As she wrapped her arms around my neck, I grabbed her waist and picked her up, swinging her around the room to her delight. I really didn’t know how I’d survive the summer without her.

  FAREWELL PART 2

  2018

  After running thirty blocks to Zadie’s apartment, a profound sweat began to douse my tux and line my brows. As the elevator reached Zadie’s floor, I attempted to inhale but my breathing had become sporadic. Making my way to Zadie’s apartment, I was surprised to see Penny standing in front of it, clicking her heels against the wooden floor as she pressed her phone against her ear.

  “Penn,” I called out to her and she turned around, narrowing her eyes when she caught sight of me. She was dressed to the nines with an impressively unimpressed scowl on her face.

  “What are you doing here?” she sneered and I was thrown back by her reaction to me. She was always warm with me.

  “I’m looking for Zadie, she’s not picking up her phone.” As I reached for the doorknob, Penny rolled her eyes. The door was locked.

  “She’s not here, Alfie. Shouldn’t you be at your reception by now?” she asked with confusion and I released the doorknob to observe her carefully. She was closed off and staring at her phone.

  “What’s going on Penn? Why isn’t she picking up?” I asked, still working overtime to catch my breath.

  “Alfie, why do you keep doing this to her? You’re married, aren’t you? This has to stop.” Her eyes had drawn themselves away from her device. She was looking at me with an expression torn between pity and concern.

  “I didn’t marry her, Penn. I couldn’t do it, and it’s not just because she wasn’t there by my side, but because…” I paused as I leaned my back up against Zadie’s door.

  “Because you love her.” Penny’s voice was softer as that same expression of pity took over her face.

  “I’ve been in love with her for twenty-one years and I hate myself for only now being brave enough to acknowledge it.” As I ran my hands through my hair, I attempted to grasp why I was so cowardly in our relationship.

  “There’s that number again,” she mused and I looked at her with confusion. As she found her way to my side, she looked down at her phone and unlocked it. Handing it to me, I looked up at her and a small smile escaped her lips.

  Zadie

  “Why does Alfie keep doing this, Penn?”

  “What? What’s going on?”

  “I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry I can’t say goodbye to you properly.”

  “I’m leaving, Penn.”

  “I think she’s gone, Alfie.” I couldn’t stop reading the messages in confusion. What was she talking about? Before I fell too far down the rabbit hole, I gave Penny back her phone and pressed the elevator’s ‘down’ button. “What was she talking about?” she asked as I pressed the button a few hundred times in frustration.

  “I have no idea,” I confessed honestly, trying to think back to last night. But my memories were just as misplaced in that moment, as they were when I first woke up. “I have to go to the airport and find her,” I announced as the elevator arrived. We both boarded it and watched the door close in front of us.

  “Can I ask you something, Alfie?” Penny’s usually flamboyant voice and nature was suddenly subdued by the possibility of losing her best friend. I nodded reluctantly as I looked to her.

  “Why now?” She waited patiently as I gathered my thoughts. It was a good question.

  “Before last night, I never experienced a day without her love.”

  ***

  Approaching the gate, I clutched my plane ticket firmly in my hand as I attempted to push past the voluminous crowds filling the airport. Passengers were coming and going as I navigated my way toward the gate number splayed on my ticket. My eyes worked overtime trying to find Zadie, but she was nowhere to be seen. Avoiding the curious eyes of passengers observing my tux, I noticed a line beginning to form at my gate. Approaching it, my focus landed on a familiar, sturdy build.

  “Marcus,” I called out, still unable to locate Zadie.

  “Alfie?” He asked in confusion, an irritated look quickly replacing his confusion. “What are you doing here, man?” He was not happy.

  “Where’s Zadie?” I hadn’t quite expected him to laugh, but laugh was exactly what he did as he readjusted his satchel and looked toward the gate.

  “You’ve got a lot of balls coming here,” he said as he shook his head.

  “What are you talking about? Where is she?” I asked, more confused than ever.

  “Not here, thanks to you.” He outstretched his arms to indicate she wasn’t present.

  “I have no idea what’s going on. Where is she?” I was losing my patience as he dropped his arms and scrutinized me.

  “You don’t remember?” he asked incredulously and I shrugged my shoulders as I waited for him to explain. Instead he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, searching for something on it. His expression shifted as he handed it to me. Reluctantly I took a hold of it. “Press play,” he instructed and I looked down and noticed my number on his screen.

  “What…” I began and he interrupted me before I could finish.

  “Just press play.” Pressing play, I held the phone up to my ear and listened.

  “Marc-us, I don’t know if you remember me, but this is Alfie. Zadie’s one, you know the one…” The slur of my words indicated I was incredibly drunk. “I just wanted you know that I’m glad you forgave her for all the times we slept together when you were dating. It was just the two but you’re a real gent.” I flinched at the mention of our intimacy. “I’m really, really, really happy you decided to take her away from me but the thing is Marcus you should know that we’ve been in love with each other for twenty-one years. Ever since I saw her grubby little face covered in snot and tears, and her favorite yellow dress smeared with day-old peanut butter and jelly, I knew. I knew. There isn’t anything quite like finding the love of your life at six-years-old, and let me tell you, it’s life changing.” I closed my eyes. “You’re a lucky guy, Marcus. In only a few months, you got the one person I have been pining for, for over two decades. Don’t take advantage of her love; listen to someone who’s lost it recently. It’s irreplaceable.” As the message clicked to an end, I looked over to Marcus. He was observing my reaction thoughtfully.

  “I’m so…” he interrupted me again, by raising his hands. His expression had softened as he realized I had no idea what I had done.

  “It’s done, it happened. It is what it is,” he said as he grabbed his phone and reentered the dwindling line.

  “What happened to Zadie?” I followed him toward the gate. He looked over to me reluctantly as he pulled out his ticket and readjusted his glasses.

  “She was in the cab with me this morning on the way to your wedding when I played the message on speaker,” he clarified. “She shut down after she listened to it, we got into an argument about your relationship with each other and she redirected the cab to her apartment,” he said as he handed his ticket and passport to the flight attendant. “She told me she couldn’t put me through this, that it wasn’t fair on me,” he paused to chuckle before continuing, “then she apologized and got out of the cab.” As the flight attendant ushered him in, he paused at the gate and looked over to me. I stood silently, trying process everything he was saying. “Honestly man, the look on her face said she was done with this place. I don’t where she is, but wherever it is, I think she’ll be happier there than here.” As he disappeared past the gate, I stood in the middle of an empty lounge. The thought of Zadie being lost to me forever began to replay in my head like a scratched disc. My phone began to vibrate in my pocket and I pulled it out, unprepared to see her name flash across my screen briefly. Opening the voicemail she left me, I braced myself.

  EPILOGUE

  ZADIE

  2018

  “Hello, Alfie. You must be wondering where I am by now. I’m sorr
y for not showing up to your wedding. I promised you I’d be by your side and I wasn’t. I hate breaking my promises, but sometimes a broken promise is inevitable. Knowing you, you’ve tracked Penny down and she’s told you that I’m leaving. Here’s the thing Alfie, I’m not leaving because of the message you left Marcus or because of your wedding. I am leaving because our relationship is like an anchor in the sand. We’re unmoving, planted in our places. Not even the strongest current could sway us. No matter what we do, whom we’re with or the promises we make to each other, somehow we keep making the same mistakes. When we were children, we thought that our friendship was greater than those mistakes, but I’ve grown older and now I realize our mistakes are greater. Perhaps this friendship needs far more space than we originally thought. I have to cut the tether, Alfie. I’m just sorry I wasn’t brave enough to say goodbye. Live your life and please let me live mine without you. Goodbye, Alfie.” As I disconnected the call, I looked out the window of the plane and hoped I had just made the right decision.

  COMING SOON

  THE FIRST, THE LAST